Navigating Grief: A Daughter's Experience Caring for Her Father During His Fight Against Colon Cancer

“A fighter, who lived life to the fullest”. Those are the words  would use to describe her late father, Seah Poh Seng.

From the day he was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2017 until his passing in January 2023, Poh Seng was determined to make the most of the time he had. He enjoyed spending time with his three grandchildren, teaching them new skills and taking them travelling around the world.

“Even when it was painful or he’d vomit and feel unwell, he’d never let it be the main focus,” Wan Peng recalls. “What was most important for him was to spend time with the kids and make memories.” 

Hit by Setback after Setback

Like her father, Wan Peng, too, is a true fighter. She took over as her father’s primary caregiver in January 2020, when the family found out that his cancer had progressed to Stage 4.

Just a few months later in April, she gave birth to her third child, and had to adapt to a range of new responsibilities amidst the pandemic. In 2021, just as the family was finding a balance in the new normal, her mother passed away from COVID-19 complications. Her father was also given just six months to live.

“We can get really emotional about it, but life still goes on,” she resolutely states. “We were very sad, but if we were to cave in to all the sadness, it would be very unfair to the young ones.”

Finding Optimism in Tough Times

So Wan Peng soldiered on, counting the blessings as they came.

When much of her time was spent shuttling her children to classes and her father to doctor’s appointments, she told herself she was “lucky” to have a flexible job. When her busy schedule began to wear her down, she found gratitude that her husband, Kenneth Tan, could always be counted on to help.

Although pandemic restrictions made it challenging to travel and socialise, she started to appreciate how it allowed her to spend more quality time with her family.

The long hours she spent accompanying her father at the cancer centre became precious moments of bonding. And when the six month mark came and went—her father survived—there was joy and a sense of relief.

It Helps to Be Prepared

No doubt, there were also bad days. There was once Wan Peng returned home to find her father undressed and unconscious on the floor. Another time, he abruptly left the house and did not return for the entire day.

The medication sometimes made him delirious, and as his condition steadily worsened, it was heartbreaking to watch him struggle in pain.

As the family grappled with the end, Singapore Cancer Society’s Hospice Care provided a lifeline. The hospice team offered medical care and visited regularly to check on her father and make him feel more comfortable. They also provided helpful advice on how to cope and care for him better.

Importantly, they also addressed tough topics about death, working with her father about the kind of funeral he would like to have, his regrets, last wishes and the legacy he wanted to leave behind.

“I felt very comforted by this,” Wan Peng shares. “It really helped him emotionally and spiritually to be prepared for what would happen.”

Reflections on the Caregiving Journey

Despite the support she received from SCS, Wan Peng cautions that “not everyone will be understanding and we will be misunderstood.” For example, in her father’s final days, he could no longer sleep or eat well. He was also prone to more bouts of delirium and falls. Left with no choice, she sent him to a hospice.

As the primary caregiver, she knew the decision was inevitable. But her father’s siblings continuously questioned the level of care provided by the hospice team.

“They thought we brought him there to let him pass on earlier,” Wan Peng says, adding: “More people need to be educated about hospices.”

Her advice to others is not to let such situations get them down. No matter what, “be brave and ask for help. Don’t keep it within, because you never know when help will arrive.”